Thursday, 19 June 2014

The Defining Moment.



I can't explain the purpose of this post, why I wanted to write it or whether or not it will even interest any of you. But the other night when I tried to close my eyes to go to sleep I realized that I was far too excited to sleep, and that I was all of a sudden completely over whelmed by happiness to the point where I was almost experiencing euphoria. I have no idea where it came from or why it just suddenly came over me the way it did, but the point is I have never felt such a moment of absolute content like it in my entire life. There have been moments such as holidays or seeing my favorite band on stage when I've felt absolute bliss take over me, but this was something different altogether. It was less fleeting than the normal bursts of energy and happiness one can sometimes feel at the right moment. If anyone has ever read the Perks of Being a Wallflower you may remember the quote that goes something like 'and in that moment we were infinite'. I guess that's what I felt; like everything was finally right, and it would be that way always.

For a while now I've been starting to realize just how far my little life has come in such a short time. I'm so content with my life and everything that is happening to me at the moment that I never really get the chance to step back and just appreciate how good life is. I actually feel as though I have 'found myself', however cringey that may sound, or that I'm starting to 'get somewhere'. For the first time in my life I have realized the people who are important to me, and why they are important to me. I've actually realized that its possible to have friends that care about your happiness just as much as their own, and feel genuinely pleased for you when you do well. Good friends may put up with your darker moments, but it takes an amazing friend to actually feel a sense of pride in you and your achievements. This is also something I have learned to do for my friends in return, and it feels pretty amazing. I don't think two years ago I could even have imagined how good growing up would feel, and how much so many of the relationships in my life would develop. I didn't know half of what I had going for me, and I always seemed to suffer from low self-esteem. I constantly thought about everything that kept going wrong instead of concentrating on the many things, which were actually going right! Every little part of me wishes I could go back in time, give my own shoulders a shake and say: 'Be happy! You have so much going for you!'

These days other peoples achievements don't make me feel bad about a lack of my own, but are helping me to recognize my own strengths and weaknesses; which are completely different for everyone. I feel like a much stronger person, and criticism rarely gets me down. People are entitled to their own opinions after all. I'm not saying that I never feel unhappy or that I look in the mirror every day and thinking I look drop dead gorgeous, but with the right make up sometimes I feel lucky to have clear blue eyes, or high cheekbones. Doing really well in university this time around was also the huge wake up call I needed. I always knew I was smart, and I never failed anything in school, but sometimes I lacked the motivation to complete a piece of work or actually go to an exam (lol!). Isn't it strange how you can just turn around and surprise yourself?

I don't really know what ever made me a happier human being, but I don't think it was a single person or event, or conversation. I think that in my head it can all be attributed to a few certain moments. Small moments which I have never forgotten and will never forget. Its not that these were huge big events like getting married or anything, just simple situations, which I don't think will ever become unstuck from my memory. One of these is the time when Lewis told me ever so sincerely that I was a really kind person, which has always stuck in my head. I think being kind to others is just human nature really, something that we should all strive for, and its one of the few things someone would ever give you an outright complement on, but someone did, and it made me feel like my life was just that little bit more successful. Another thing which I've never quite gotten over was when I went to pick up a history essay from my tutor. When he asked me how I thought I got on I responded negatively saying that I mucked up the references, and forgot to write about a particular event. That was when he smiled and told me that I did better than anyone in the whole module and actually it was one of only three first class essays in the year. I think I was really shocked as I never expected myself to be that clever, and I often wonder why that was. Other moments happen on more of a day-to-day basis when I get to meet people through my job or through blogging that I wouldn't otherwise have met. It's amazing watching an old man buy his wife a designer handbag because he just 'really wants to treat her' or having someone email me to tell me that they loved my blog post. Its even better seeing people that have mistreated you in the past achieving something and just feeling happy for them. Jealousy and bitterness are the most horrid emotions, and I think its about time people started supporting one another rather than putting each other down. Lets be honest here bitching about how ugly or weird someone is is high school bullsh*t, and I think we are all a lot better than that. Lets stop thinking about other people's lives and start building our own.

So, even though I'm getting older, I don't mind. I'm looking towards things that are making me happy instead of back at things that made me miserable, and I'm glad to have the people that I do in my life. I don't know who the f**k told me I wasn't good enough before, but I'm pretty sure they won't be a part of my future. Its a joy to spend time living your life the way you want instead of listening to other people, and that is exactly what I intend on doing. 


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4 comments

  1. I loved this post so much. I can tell how genuinely happy and content you are writing this and it's so refreshing to read. Everyone needs to take a leaf out of your book including myself. Thanks for an amazing post!

    Abby x x x
    whatabbyloves.blogspot.co.uk

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    1. Thank you lovely!! I just thought it might be something people could relate to! :) xxxxxx

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  2. This post is just lovely, I relate to everything that you said and I feel I'm at the same point in my life.
    Amber xx

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    1. Thanks hun! It made me feel so good writing it and just getting everything off of my chest:)

      xxxxxxxxxxxxx

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